Folio 4: Chapter 2 (excerpt) —

 

 

2 ~

 

 

 

~ My name— I declaim —is Doldrum Cusp: the blame is Doldrum Cusp’s ~

~ Qualification: so nuzzled the subtext … when he and we last nattered ~

~ Re- ~

~ cite ~

          I may well be about to ruin your day, sweetmeat. Ten little words nudge one trite endearment from the tongue-tip on the fly and— voilà! —therein lay a premise. Ten little words shoulder one emphatic threat, then leash the comma to the full stop tang, to track, on tippy-toe— herein —where the conception of imperative resides.

~ Oh that’s good D-boy! The prose … it flows … it grows … and we knows-it ~

          Tap-tip! Join the dottiness ya dancer ye. Tip-tap! Stipple or stab? Or stomp-omp-omp-omp-omp?

~ Percussion ya bam ye ~

~ paradiddle … mammy-daddy … biff and boff … sniff and snuff … enough ~

          All very florid methinks … rekey … does it not require a lucid and clinical concision D-boy?

~ ? ~

          Acht, the faddish bleat— in skittish vibrato —no doubt it does: but … and it’s a big but … ’tis a tumescent but no less … my bloom inclines toward a contrary source of sustenance … and it’s not in the nature of my or— bah-hy-hy hex-tension —this raving bestiary to be concise.

J~ No D-boy: B-concise … seize like vice … yoozuhrrr thih Caysss fuhrrr thih Puhrrrawsssih-q-shuhn, sssoan-yuhrrr ~

u~ Eh … ? … ~

d~ No, Doldrum Hector Cusp … ya mad bam that y’are: be concise … you are the Case for the Prosecution, so and you are ~

g~ But … ~

e~ But nothin’: get on with it … and butter it up … buttress it up … don’t bugger it up ~

-~ Ok but … ~

          ment I much prefer …

~ puh-puhmp ~

… to snatch the damnable typeset briquette and wrench a mental mosaic of confettied conviction from its stark geometry … thereupon scrutinizing every last scale and virguled flake for rapt application in the sinuous papier mâché construct still to be raw-haw-haw-haw-oi-ally unveiled.

          Ta-da! Plaudit ya bam ye: ’tis ’oi polloi don’cha know.

~ Naw: not even a wee pitter-patter of polite applause. F—ken troglodytes ~

          And there we have it, thinks me: a smooth lubed soliloquy of scabbed and rasped verbiage freely, but carefully, given form and voice. A recognisably human form— caressed and conjured by my artist’s eye —with each muscular striation starkly defined by the dictates and text of other hands.

          The swine.

          Their vindictive script provides the rudimentary cross-hatched shading; but only my eye can tweak and light the drop-jaw glazed chiaroscuro dazzle. Get the picture? Uh-huh, that’s the snap: woe is me, ho-ho.

~ puh-puhm-pity-puhm-pity-puhmp ~

          One cannot help but dwell on a recent death after all … even if it’s a living-death … but I’ll rein that paltry cortège to a standstill because; life is for the living is it not?

          Yes, let’s not forget about the living: let’s not forget about you … sweetmeat!

~ Naw don’t  forget her ~

          Hmm … it still flounces a wee bit there so here, try this: imagine a small febrile snappy not yappy irascible dog— suddenly concussed —tumbled and sprawled, tail over teat and tongue over toothy tine; by a big broad rancid bone. Bih-yoi-oi-oing!

          Biff! … Why? Where? Who? … What am I?

          Well, of course, I am that ‘dog’ … and I just happen to be the veh-heh-herry cross-breed that is just intelligent enough to know just how dumb I am: a state of being that makes me far more enlightened— in empirical dog terms —than most other doghouse mutts careering through their gruff muttered splutterings.

~ That was a mouthful ~

W~ Uh mooth-fih ~

o~ Shuht yuhrrr moo ~

o~ Shuht yuhrrr guhb ~

f~ Shuht yuhrrr geggy ~

W~ Shuht yuhrrr tuhrrrahp ~

o~ I do declare old bean: there’s only a degree or two between ‘thinking outside the box’ and ‘tawkihn ootih yuhrrr rrright … rrroyal … arrrse’ ~

o~ Pihsh ~

f~ Hayvuhrrrz ~

W~ Cahn yuhrrr sssnahsh ~

o~ Cahm yuhrrr jehtz ~

o~ Tawkihn mihnsss sssoan-yuhrrr ~

f~ Suhtoap gihbbuhrrrihn shyt … RYT ~

~ Ohkih-doak ~

          Back to biff-oonery: I also know who launched the limb: their salivary stench girds the joint like caldera gas. And they know I don’t sniff or lick arse; I flay rump. So, ipso facto: the bone was both a lobbed gauntlet and an opening lanced salvo. Tut-tut. Tit for tat methinks.

~ Give them what for old bean ~

~ Permission granted plummy-gub, eh … classy … had better obey ~

          I’respondtaccordingly— butidiscordantly —myscur ‘wordsC’ becomeOtheOscrapeLand scourtofiteethe. Ergoa: myfteethtareearcontinuousacaninelgratelof!blurry convolution because I snout-sense something proximate to the marrow of that big broad bone will finally settle both the barking bout and the knotted gurgling gut.

~ The shouldering of blame— after all —oftentimes has to be extracted: with the forceful application of dislocation … dis-locution … ? … illocution … perlocution ~

~ puh-puhmp ~

          Nota Bene ya bugger ye: it is not unknown for news hounds, of silken ilk, to opine with bark and snap and territorial piss-ripping … their leery contempt for the exclamation mark … ! … as a— don’t fritter the titters will you —‘dog’s dick’.

          Grrr! Gnaw … tip-tap … proi-oing! … Rekey.

~ Ho-ho: you’re an eejit D-boy ~

          I can foresee stylometry hankering— still —after that lucid concision mentioned earlier; before all of the above … fluff … settled like catkin down. So here goes: I … Doldrum Aitch-for-Hector Cusp … am well and truly scunnered … with being cracked on the coupon … by what other people think …

~ Pause for thought ~

… I should be gnawing on.

N~ Hear hear ~

o~ Har-har ~

!~ ’ere-’ere ~

          So yes, Siobhán … Sara-Siobhán Cusp— for ’tis you —sweet dear sister of mine … I may well be about to ruin your da- »»»» … -Hark attack lads, HARK ATTACK! Shh: huhd yuhrrr wheesht … aw SHIT! Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock … no dingly-dongs … guh-luhp! Kapos! Cusp: better face the muzak. Sssneak-a-peek, wee man, sneak … a … peek … but holster up the bombast … waggle the tale and bulb puppy-peepers. A tad premature for a policier huffy-sir, taunt I. The tongue-junta lung menace with dotted eyes and cross impatient tease … in trip-li-city, no less (never anything less): but there’ll be no gonged QPM without pandering to their piggy-backed Ps & Qs so … off they stomp on their grotty trotters … tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump- … ««««

~ Toodle-pip ~

          Whew: cold-call and close call and D-boy nearly threw the game away. A straggle of rapt partisans goes ballistic. Tut-tut. Tip-tap. Bit by bit, wee man, bit by bit: a square-jawed deuteragonist’s aside to sagacity waiting in the dugout. Unfurl the scrolled formulation … slowly … in deliberation. It is long and it is serpentine. It is a welcome mat methinks, they think and we think too: to a cosy cave in Cobh.

~ Oh and it is cosy too. Lovely. Gorgeous. Plush: ya bam ye. Not a soul in sight. Aye … sol … A … shun. Not … a … care. Aye, right: sssoanihtihz n sssoanuhdohnt … eh, sorry … so and it is and so … and … I … don’t. Here: let me fill the gawkers in D-boy. My name is Daniel Cusp and I’m an artist … one of the starving variety … one of Life’s never-will-bes … a drone … if you believe what they say. The guy most likely to never be likely to … tuhwit-tuhwoo. Let the hoolits ‘crow’. I’ve got more pressing concerns. I’m not a well man … poorly … y’know … and I can’t cope … uh cahnnih coap … uhcahnnihcoapuhcahnnihcoapuhcahnnihcoap … I … CAN … NOT … COPE … and the f—ker’s got me by the throat ’n’ the scrote ’n’ … no need for a vote … I … be … smote … ’n’ ah’m feart … I am … shyt-tihn mahsssehl bihgssstie-uhl … ~

~ My name, however, is Doldrum Cusp: the blame— great acclaim —is Doldrum Cusp’s ~

~ And I’m scared of NOTHIN’ ~

          Tap-tip, Q- U- I- T space bar P- O- W- E- R! Space bar Y? … Tip-tap, in taut reply, Q- U- I- P: space bar T- R- Y space bar W- O- E! We pry quoit off dolmen, yes? Bar a space? About time too! Quit ropey wankery? Thought you’d never stop wee man. Keyboard heresy? Thought you’d never start big boy. Predicate!

~ puh-puhmp-puh-puhmp … puh-puhmp-pity-puhmp ~

»»»» … -rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rump, tuh-rum- … ««««

~ Whew! Re-sight and recite ~

          Ho-hum, another day squandered Siobhán, eh?… Yea or nay? … ? … No answer was the reply. Barely merits a blink, a bicker or a niggly wee retort apparently. Frittered away, perhaps, in a brother’s folly? … ? … No, not at all: as each minute minute— heed the syllabic stress on the second of the first and the first of the second —because stress will be … has to be the rudimentary paradiddle keeping tabs on this endeavour … oh-ho-ho yes, sweetmeat. Each tensorial minute will prove, in … in … increments, quintessentially distressing: but cathartic to us both.

~ Yes in-deedy ~

          Mammy-daddy, tick-tock, dynamo whirr and baldy … cranial … skull-bulb … popped … on.

          Illumination!

~ Peddle a rant … pedant ~

          What lies below displays fine splay-legged, iron-thighed, puffed-pectoral testament to my humanity and resolve: then again, I shan’t be the one lashed upon the rack. You will! In every regard, sister: genera; ephemera; derma; et cetera et cetera; in camera; vice versa and, ahem, chakra … sweetmeat et al. Crank! Cuh-rrrank!

          crank-crank-crank-crank-crank-crank-crank-crank-crank-crank!

          Yes, ’tis decided, I will be about to ruin your day. At the very least, I will most certainly be here ’n’ thereabouts: magnitude of outcome regardless. ‘Irregardless’ would be incorrect, by the way, (good gram-marred): but ire-regardful pins the inky dot. I will be about to slobber. I will be about to hay-vuhrrr— though I’m told it’s spelt —haver. I will be about to hover … on the fly. Like a bad smell, came the retort from the gluteal divide? Maybe … gentle winds prevailing … but I’m reliably informed dirty dogs smell their own dirt first. Mmmm … the brazen bum-cheekery of it … how pass-remark-able: Doldrum parped a remark, ha-ha. A pervasive reek-er-eee I be. Unquestionably! Nevertheless, I will also be about … regardful of ire! Oh … and yes I shall, pedant that I am, trouble to trawl on the ‘Et Al Et Al’ atoll too, methinks. Of ire: regardful, it goes without saying but I’ll … say … it … again. Get the picture? Crunchity-crunch. Ahoy! Dot-dot-dash-ery. Gloop!

~ Who pooped in the soup ~

~ REKEY ~

          My name— deep disdain —is Doldrum Cusp and that … oh NO … that is not usually what I do not. Ruin days, that is. Confused? I am not. I am not Doldrum Cusp and that is what I do do … ? … Day upon day ruined. Mea culpa? That: is what I have not done. It has been done for me. Sweet sister Siobhán, hark-attack: did you do ‘done it’? Or … as Doldrum ‘done’ … did you do ‘done it’ not? I fear ‘wee hairy patois’ … ’tis ‘wee hairy patois’ I fear. You, sister, did ‘done’, when you should have done ‘did’. Did you not do: ‘done it’? Do I not: do-hoo ‘did it’? Ho-ho. Done you did it? Did you done it? I done dooooooooooooed it: did I not have it done? I done doodit!

~ puh-puhmp ~

          Not that I did, of course. Not yet anyway. Bzz! You ‘done’ it! Every vicious viscous kick, scabrous skit and cruel drooled curse: so ’n’ ye ‘done’. SSSOAN-YIHDIHD … yaaaaaaah wee hairy! Spank!

~ F—ken … { ;;} … vampire ~

~ Rekey ~

          I also read would you believe. You, Siobhán, prodigiously gulp the gruelled meedja-mulch: but I read and I have read a lot … reams ’n’ reams tease, tamp and tessellate my prone woolly poultices of fatty lanolin and learned laissez-aller; oh-ho-ho yes. Learned helplessness some would attest; let them. I will persevere here in the meantime: splitting spine … oblivious. Not much too much, or not enough, but just … about … so: snap … ! … splinter … ! … riffle-riffle … and there goes another: and now I’m going to read to you. Please remain seated: after all … there’s nowhere else to go. Not until I say so … ye wee so ’n’ so. Ho-ho.

~ oh … go … GO … GO … GO D-boy ~

         You used to like that. ‘Sssoanuhdihd,’ you said: do you now not? No answer: was the reply. Wee sopping sponge; methinks you do and methought you did. I will ruin your day though. The rue-rekey- »»»» … -rueful-ferrule-rekey … rekey … refuel-rueful-ruination … the nation I rue … the rue-in-upper-case A-shun … may … stretch-it Dole-baby … I lead you laaaaawng-time. Long time you led … yes? Wrong mime you read? A Eurasian promise purrrrrrrred from tatty Tinseltown totty there. (Put a kink in my sausage segue, let me tell you)! RE-sight. ’twas a long time you led did you not? Stretch it out Doldrum … bong-boi-yoi-oi-oing … to a good few scuppered days … oh yes. One bad turn, by extension … et cet-er-aghhhhh … phttt-pht! Phtt! phtt-phtt- … ««««

~ Recite D-boy ~

          Yes, this ruination may rubber-stamp a stubborn kibosh on a good few days, oh-ho. That notion makes, in your own hark attack parlance: ‘my puckered winker blink’. So: perhaps, sister, you will now be struck-it- »»»» … -F—K … recite … STRUCK, stricken, stuck-stucken-strrrrick-it … GET a GRIP … Doldrrrum very droll … veh-herrrih drrrrrrohaaaaaaaghhll Dohaaaaaaaghhlldrrrrruuuhhm! … rekey … REKEY! … Struck-up-chuck-chuck-it-up-f—ck-it-rekey-F—K-it-fug-it-up-a-wee sssuhwayrrrih, uh wee sssuhwayrrrih, uh wee sssuhwayrrrih wuhrrrd … tuh-rump-tuh-rump … no chance, no chance uhv … no-NO patois, no patois Doldrum- … ««««

S~ A pee-ssseeeeeethuhrrr ~

e~ A wee brrreeethuhrrr ~

e~ ? ~

?~ Eh … naw … me neethuhrrr ~

          NO chance of- »»»» … -of … without … outwith … ? … Nae-no-no chance of … ? … Of … OF, ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov-ov D-boy … a chance OF an opportunity gifted … gifted no less … to offload your entire poly-poke of ripped knitting, ditch the face like fizzzzz, and re-juice and rejoice and re-joist at my rekey … REJOICE at my rekey, rekey … a recce, only a recce mind: at my- … «««« … at my triumphant return from Planet Maudlin. Huzzah ya bam ye!

~ Doahldrrruhmz toadihl-ihn ahff-tih Puhlah-niht Maw-dihl-ihn, indeed ~

          No’ a doddle by the way. No’ a doddle at-all at-all. I shall venture a wee toddle on the ‘At-All At-All’ atoll too methinks: when I return from ‘Et Al Et Al.’ Huk! Shut it Doldrum and sit up! Sit- »»»» … -UP! Straight-up-set … straight-up-set-up … STRAIGHT … upset, PING! It twung did it? … It twung did it not? Twung it did … it did it? It did twung-unsprung did it? Did ye done it? Or done ye did it? Uh did do it! I DID do it. Aye! Do it now. NOW do it! Ye done dood it? Aye, I have done it … REKEY- … ««««

~ Recite ~

          This, Sara-Siobhán Cusp— you foul fetid festering harpy f—kwit —could well change you for the better or better you for the worst so: unpick-it … unpick it? Unpack it? No: unpick the puh-p’puhrrrlih brow; as I know in your mind’s crafty recesses you … have in the past … done … or done you did? Or did you dooooed it? I’ve come undone: you did it? With my … rekey … with my … with my- »»»» … -my oh my look at me. LOOK at me! Take a gander: ’n’ nae-no-no guffaws at the back there; this is ssseer-ih-UHS mah mahn … this is NOT … this is no’ … this is naw-hot … this IS the K’Kommandant’s Diet Plan you’re panderin’ a gander at … here, huhv-uh puhrrrawd … ‘yuh prawdih-dawg’ … skin ’n’ bone mah man, skin ’n’ bone! It’s devouring me from within. ‘Buhlahk Duhg’ … shitey … ‘Buhlahk Duhg’ … SHITEY … ‘Buhlahk Duhg’ … SHITE! … ‘Buhlahk Duhg SHITE!’ Tiny nibbles ’n’ tiny nibbles; tiny … tiny … nibbles. Bit by bit ’n’ bit by bit. You f—kers stood back and watched this happen: gawkin’ ’n’ gawpin’. I’m a stick man: I am ‘THEE Stick Man’ … hang the ‘Stick Man’: gawn Doldrum, hing the ‘Stick Man’ … hing uhm … HANG THE F—K-UHRRR! Mayrrr meat sweetmeat … ? … uh-huh … mayrrr meat oan-uh … ‘Ssseen mayrrr meat oanuh bootchuhrrr’s pihnsihl.’ Eek! Sssneak-a-peek … seven stone three pounds of fury, with my seven stone three pounds of fury, with my raging rack-ked, rippled ribs, with my raging hard-oanih-mayrrr-meat … ? … Oh me-oh-my, cuh-rrryssst poor wee me; look at poor wee me … LOOooOOooOOK-IHT mih … a stick; a shitty stick; a shit-covered stick with my, shit-covered stick with my … a brassy ferrule … ? … Refuel … rueful? … With my … with my … RE-sight Doldrum and RECITE … with my … REKEY … and recite … with my- … «««« … wsiitshtemry.

          Please allow me to introduce my charming sist-…

‘YOOooo! Yuh ssskihnnih, mawkiht wee ah-uhrrrsss-rrrahg. Yuhrrr puhyoo-uhrrr MANK-IH!’

… Aw naw.

          SPOTTED! … SOLD! … SPO.T.T.ED: …

 

 

 

(Gil Grachison would like to apologise for any minor formatting glitches howling their hubris in the excerpt above. Deus ex machina perhaps; or perhaps not).