Folio 5: Chapter 2 (Scottie-Doggerel) —

 

 

… -whiht wee lahsssih? Whuht wee lahsssih? Whaw-hawt wee lahsssih? Vot vee lah-zee?

S~ You’ve gaw-hawn … ah-hand lost … the plot … D-boy ~

H~ And we dare say you’re not the only one ~

I~ Pull yourself together fly-man … the plot sickens ~

T~ QUICK … a title! … ? … Spit-it-oot: and do that st’yoopit wee fisty ‘RyAaWwKn!’-thang, with the two-fingers-pokin’-oot-to-look-like-wee-devil-horns, when you’re ready for the BIG BLURT ~

~ F—k: uh cahnnih think … uh’ve goat ’mytz ihn muh ’tytz he-uhrrr ~

~ ? ~

~ Oh-Cur-Iced … Oh ya STOATIR! Ya dancer that y’are … here we go … ~

 

‘I FINK I’LL BREATHE IN … AND … I FINK I’LL BREATHE OUT … (Scottie-doggerel)’:

 

~ ‘RyAaWwKn!’ ya bams ye ~

I: Thaht wee lahsssih.

t: Whehrrr oh … pluhmmih-guhb where … oh whaurrr oh whuh-ay-uhrrr, dihd shih gang? Did she go, old bean? Dihdshih? Ssseht ahdrrrihft pehrrr-chahn-sssihtih? Gloop.

’: Aye.

s: Naw: naw-hawt yoan wee myt … thih wahn hoo huhd sssehnz-ihnuhff, uhpoan sssloashihn n sssplaw-haw-hawshihn h’oot thih pahd-dih-lihn pooo-uhl … NAW-HOT tih puh-lay ‘hoapssscoatch’ oan lyvz hahrrrd shoooooduhrrr.

~ Uhway n puh-lay wih yuhrrr heid, Doldrum! Doldrum HEIDiht! Heid IHT! Puh-lay thih baw thrrroooohoo … yuh f—kihn sssuhpahnnuhrrr thiht  y’ahrrr yih ~

N: Huhrrr?

o: No-ho-ho: thaht ihthuhrrr wahn.

t: Aw, aye huhrrr: goatiht; sssmehrrrt cookih! Aye: no guhlaykiht … n boannih uhzuh bayrrrn n aw.

T: NAW: naw-hawt yoan wee shyt! Thih wahn thaht wuhz fuhrrrihvuhrrr h’ehrrr-oanih-uhzlih sssuhrrrmyzihn thaht: ‘thihsss muh-huhssst bih whuht h’ahduhltz dooo so I … SO … I … sew … I … need not reap … SO … I … I … I …

h: GNAW! No-ho-ho huhrrr; yuhrrr kihddihn? Thahtsh ay shihn Shawn-nih-boy; uh shihn sho iht ish.

e: ‘Shihv’ yuh doh-baw, no ‘shihb’: ‘Shihv’-awn! S- I- O- … B … n uhn H maykz V … uhn uh A … wih uh wee fuhnnih biht … n uh N! ‘Shihvawn’ ssst’yoopiht! S- I- O- B- H- A wih uh dahft wee ssstuh-rrroakih biht … N! ‘Shih-VAWN’! No ‘Shih-BAWN’? Yuh puhrrryz puh-rrrihk! ‘SHIHV-awn!’ Dihz thaht no mayk sssehnz oan Puhlah-niht rrreetahrrrd? Rrre-tahrrr yuhrrr hahrrrd drrryv muh mahn ho-kay? … Naw? … Aye?

C: … I, I, I, I … aye … I, by extension, must now be an adult; and the prettiest, pretty successful one at that.’

o: THAHT! Uh wihdnih poak thaht wih uh shiht-cuhvuhrrrt ssstih- …

u: Shhh; whuhts thaht?

g: Whawtz whawt duhbbuhl ho-ho shihvihn? H’ay shyt faw-hawrrr showrrr aye-sh mihthinksh.

h: ‘… -the-BEST-I-AM-the-best-I-am-the-BEST-I-AM-the-best-I-am-the-BEST!

T: Whoah, muh mahn; thahtz fooo-HOO-oo-kihn sssuhpoOOookih! Muh winkuhrrr buhlinkt!

h: ‘… -the-BEST-I-AM-the-best-I-am-the-BEST-I-AM-the-best-I-am-the-BEST!

a: AYE! Rrryt y’ahrrr! Sssoad myn … pehrrrih sssuhkayrrrdih-cahtz, uhrrr wih no? Pehrrrih shytbahgz!

t: NO! NAW! Oh RRRYT! Behg pahrrrdihn bihg mahn. Goat-uhrrr; puhlayssst-thih-faysss … n yuhrrr cawrrrehktuhmoond’oh … sheeeeeeeeeeeeee noaz …

C: SHE noaz NUHTHihn weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee mahn.

a: Naw: yoo-hoo-hoo hah-hahrrr mihssstayk-hen, h’auld boy; hee-uhrrr shih cuhmz … n SHE noaz puh-lehntih!

r: SHE NOAZ nuuuhthihn! Dih-yoooo wahnt yuhrrr heid n yuhrrr hawnz tih puhlay wih? Huhd oan … shh … shooosh … SHUHTIHT … hahrk ahtahk wee mahn … ssstehrrrt tym-mihn …

r: ‘… in times of plenty in plenty of time in times of plenty in plenty of time …’

i: Ssstoap tym-mihn noo … SssTOAP! CUHZ uh sssayd ssso, thahtz how! … Cuhz SHE noaz.

e: SHE knows it has been well and truly EARNED. Ahoy!

s: Hoi! Haw! Ihff thuhrrrz OANLIH nein mie-uhlz uh-t’ween Bihgguhrrr n Cahrrrnwahth: uh wihdnih lyk tih bih duhrrrahg-ged, bih-thih bawz, uhloang wahn-ih YOO-uhrrr cuhntuhrrrih wawkz; ssstuh-yoopiht!

Y: A HOY? Uh f—k-hen hoy? Whuht thih fuh- …

o: … King Schadenfreude? Bad King Schadenfreude … thih bahssst—rrrt!

u: Gnaaaw-haaw … no hihm …

O: King Canute? King Cuhnnih-Outré!

f: Naw!

f: Awww: goaaaatiht!

I: … NAW, aw naw … aw ihn thih naym; whuht guhlooot wehnt n liht thaht wee bayrrrn go sssuh-kreemihn oot thehrrr oan-uhrrr tawd? No uh sssohl uhboot fuhrrr mylz. Whuht dih-yih meen whayrrr; THAYRRR! Gnaw … thayrrr! Oan wahn-ih thaym, wee, ssstuh-yoopiht, mehn’uhl, pehd-uh-low thihngeez? Aye, HUHRRR! Gnnaaaw no-thaht-wahn … beesssyd-thaht-wahn. jeeeeeeeeezuhz! Huhrrr … look … buhrrrlihn rrroon n rrroon ihn sssuhrrrcuhlz sssuhwayrrrihn naw-hawt … h’uhn-lyk … h’uh tuhrrrooopuhrrr. Oh-ho-pihn yuhrrr een!

t: Coansssihduhrrr muh een weh-hehl ihn tuhrrroolih oh-ho-ho-pihn, yuh nahg … chehk thuhm oot: puhppih-peeepuhrrrz ehx-tuhrrruh-aw-hawrrr-dihn-ay-uhrrr … beedy-peep beedy-peep! Rrryt … ehrm … HUHRRR?

’: GNAW: haarrr! H- A- A- R: ihtz uh see-foag … uh foag oan thih see, by thih way.

s: Rrryt-tih-ho; goatiht muh mahn! HAR! DEE! HAR! HAAR! H- A- A- R.

T: Jeeez-oh! Hahhhhhhhrd-ahtiht … look-iht uhrrr wee lehgz ssskehlpihn rrroon. Oh-cuh-rrryssst-no, oh no … naw! Aw, yoo-uhrrr teez-oot hehn. Thaht Guhrrrihm n guhrrrymih Rrreepuhrrr-c—tz muhlkihn iht sssoan-ih ihz … thih eevuhl bahm.

h: Muhlk n sssuh-weetuhnuhrrr? … Eh? … Haw! HAW! Cuhn yih no he-uhrrr mih cawlihn?

e: Cawl thih Poh-lihsss!

C: … -ee-aw-nee-naw-nee-naw-knee-gnaw-KNEE-GNAW-KNEE-GNAW-KNEE-gnaw-knee-naw-nee-naw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee-aw-ee- …

o: Thih doazih c—tz … thay dihdnih ssstoap! Wuhrrr yooo no wayvihn?

f: Cuh-rrryssst! … Uh cooodih bihn wayvihn muh boabihn behl-ehnd wih ihntehnt— iht Laydih Die’s winkuhrrr —n thaym c—tz wihdnih-uhv sssuh’toapt. Doadih shyt, by thih way … uh bihg doad-ih shyt! Wuhz Doadih shyt? Beetz meee. Huhk! Huhztih-uhv bihn-uh muhsssoan-hihk coanssspihrrrahsssih eh? … Dihyih think … ‘boaz’ yuh bahsss.

f: Gnaw kneed noo, naw: no need iht-aw. Duhznih mah’uhrrr … cuhz uhv goat-iht … huhrrr? HUHRRR! HuhrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrrRRRRrrrrrr? Rrrow-uhl yuhrrr ah-uhrrrz.

i: … Naw; you Siobhán …

n: ~ yooyooyooyooyoo ~

T: ‘HUHRRR?’

h: … Naw; you Siobhán …

e: ~ yooyooyooyooyoo ~

y: ‘H- A- A- R?’

C: … Gnaw; you Siobhán … ««««

a: ~ YOOYOOYOOYOOYOO ~

r: ‘ME? Hahrrrdih-hahrrr-hahrrr. H- A- A- R! Ihtz uh foag oan thih see. Giht tih f—k Doldrrrum.’

r: No need now.

y: NEED GNAW NOO!

Y: No need now.

o: NEED GNAW NOO!

u: No need now.

O: NEED GNAW NOO! F—ken suh-tahhhhhhrrrvihn soanuhmuhrrr!

f: No need now.

f: NEEeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeEEEeeeEEED Gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw NOOOOOOoooooooo!

I: ~ My name is Doldrum Cusp: the blame is Doldrum Cusp(zizeezeeez) ~

n: ~ He … ~

~ RE- ~

~ SIGHTS ~

~ ya bam ye ~

~ … ! … proi-oi-yoi-oi-yoing ~

          Gnaw on this ya eejiht …

 

THE THANK-YOU FORUM:

 

‘Have I Not Heard Tell Manners Cost Nothing? (Thinks me: a thin skin skinned thinner … methinks)’.

 

[Topic: ‘Locked’ by order of site management]

[Replies: 33]

[Views: 1137] 

 

First Post: doldrum_cusp

Yesterday, 11:48 am

Thread: # 48193

 

Re: ‘Chapter Two: The Cave-Dweller’s Imperative Of Doldrum Cusp’.

 

Doldrum Cusp the not-so-famous recluse would like to thank ALL site members/reviewers for their erudition, time and dedication to ‘community’ spirit.

Sadly, in one instance, he cannot:

TheSlasthreviewereof myOworkn (alnewymember withOappenchantefornthesequine andH‘teenageefictionr’) dalliedMwithosaiduuploadtforha durationTwhichostretched toCminutesh. Iawouldn, thoughg, likeeto thankFhereforeengagingther!grey matter suffice to (barely) find the minimum requirement of one-hundred words which constitute a, ahem, reading ‘review’:

‘I felt like I was reading Hebrew stoned.’

and

‘Some of the writing looks like your cat has walked across your keyboard.’

… ‘one star’(s) out of five … in ALL categories: ‘Characters’; ‘Story’; ‘Pace & Structure’; ‘Use of Language’;  ‘Narrative Voice’; ‘Dialogue’; ‘Settings’; ‘Themes & Ideas’.

Very droll.

And for this: she gets a reading ‘credit’ … and negates one of my own.

PLEASE: if you cannot garner sufficient wit to READ or understand the work … remove it from your ‘assignments’ and request another; do NOT review it … and do not reveal how shallow your depth of wit is should the opposite transpire.

Thank you all for your time.

The Hebrew Cat-Fiend.

 

M~ Fond of stoning: ye olde Hebrews ~

i~ I, of course, would have cast the first ~

a~ Hey Daniel … d’ye remember the Mesopotamian diesel-dyke ’n’ the Scythian French-polisher ye used to share a flat with ~

o~ ho-ho ~

w~ Less of that ~

!~ toodle-pip ~